i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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