wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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