Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
