Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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