i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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