i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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