he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
