I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
