i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
