A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
