phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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