I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize