I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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