sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im just a social blackout drinker.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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