Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
