I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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