Pants 0. Shit 1.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize