Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
