god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
