Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
