just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
