420 ftw
North Korea, Best Korea!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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