Your mouth is God's brothel.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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