I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
