Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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