how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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