i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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