Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
