so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
