im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
