Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
