He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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