So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
