Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
