i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
