your thong is hanging out like whoa
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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