they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize