Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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