You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
