I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
