I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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