the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
