So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
