dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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