he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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