you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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