Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
