I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
