Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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