I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Farmville is her only friend.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
