My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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