I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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