hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
