My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
