even my farts smell like vagina
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
