he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
