rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
