I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She announced her abortion via fbk
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
