do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
