just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
