do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
