I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
